|My name is David Solamen and I am a G-rated comic. I was a vocalist with Hanna-Barbera and have performed stand-up comedy at the Improv and the Comedy Store in Hollywood. I reside outside Nacogdoches, Texas, in four acres of forest. Since early January 2006, I have been visited 8 times and have logged some 20 hours in face-to-face conversations with a gray. To psychologically deal with my unnerving experience, I have converted it into a scary comedy routine, which I have most recently performed at Bullfrog's, a dinner club in Nacogdoches. I portray 2 characters: Grandpa Methuselah, the long-jowl-faced crotchety-voiced old geezer (which I am), who relays the experience, the side of me who knows the experience was real, and Grandson Noah, the pointy-chinned whiney-voiced side of me that wants to laugh the whole experience off. All the way through the routine Noah belittles his grandfather. N (Noah) doesn't want to call M (his grandfather) a "turkey", a "chicken" and an "old goat", so N encases his raised-eyebrow derisions with those animals' sounds (t-c-og).
Noah and Methuselah Meet Magnuss
by David Solamen
Methuselah: Grandson Noah, you're never going to believe what happened to me, me your grandfather, Grandpa Methuselah. I had a close encounter of the poopin' kind.
Noah: You saw an alien? (t-c-og; turkey, chicken, old goat sounds come from the skeptic Noah)
Methuselah: I have the shorts to prove it. [M looks like he is about to recite the Pledge.] I am going to donate those shorts to the Smithsonian Institute.
Noah: You experienced a close encounter with a "UFG" an unidentified flying gnat. Weren't wearing your glasses again, were you, Grandpa.
Methuselah: I don't need glasses to see a little emaciated ventriloquist! He had a big bald head, whitish-gray, big enough for 2 brains. You've heard of the term half-brain, pea brain? Well that's what we are. Each half of his brain is bigger than our whole brain! Big old almond eyes. [M rolls his eyes and contorts his whole face from side to side.] I bet he has good peripheral vision. [Disappointed] I forgot to ask him. He had deep furrows in his whitish-gray face like he might have been a thousand years old. When I looked at his nose the first thing I thought of was Michael Jackson. [M scrunches his face and wiggles his nose.] Smallest little nose I ever saw. And his mouth [amazed] you couldn't even get a Twinkie in thar.
Noah: (t-c-og) What did you do?
Methuselah: I froze up to my eyeballs. [M freezes and talks not moving his lips.] Then he started talkin'. He was usin' E, S, and a P in his big brain. I started thinkin' how CRAZY it was to be carryin' on a conversation with an emaciated ventriloquist with good peripheral vision.
Noah: (t-c-og) CRAZY VISION works for me.
Methuselah: By the way, cancel my trip to Jefferson, Texas.
Methuselah: MAGNUSS told me...
Noah: Wait. Wait. Who's MAGNUSS?
Methuselah: That's the little emaciated ventriloquist.
Noah: (t-c-og) The Little Gray Guy told you his name was MAGNUSS?
Methuselah: M-A-G-N-U-S-S, MAGNUSS. That's the name of their whole civilization. [M looks like he is about to recite the Pledge.] They're civilized.
Noah: I've got a word for you. [N rotates eyebrows, hands right to left.] FUH-GED-DA-BO-UT-IT, FUH-GED-DA-BO-UT-IT, FUHGEDDABOUTIT! (t-c-og)
Methuselah: [M sticks his tongue out at N.] Anyway cancel my trip to Jefferson, Texas. I'm not goin' hiking with the A-A-R-P girls in that swampy wilderness!
Noah: Why not?
Methuselah: MAGNUSS said that hiking in Jefferson, Texas was perfectly safe as long as there was four people or more. But he said that ex-leathernecks like me, who like to play solitaire, will meet [louder and louder, more and more ominous] the most evil creature on planet Earth [arms flailing] the NORTH AMERICAN SASQUATCH!
Noah: (t-c-og) I thought "the most evil creature on planet Earth" was your ex-wife.
Methuselah: [Nauseated M sticks out a tongue.] Her, too. [More tongue.] But MAGNUSS told me there is another big-footed mosquito-ridden chigger-infested female out there. You can hear the slapping sounds when she runs. [M bobs his head up and down stage right to stage left.]
N; (t-c-og) Grandpa Methuselah, did you ask MAGNUSS, Little Gray Guy, about Atlantis... the Bermuda Triangle?
Methuselah: [Index finger to lips, fearful M pans the sky, nervously shaking his head to shush Noah.] Yes, Noah. But some things should never be talked about out loud. MAGNUSS was cool with the Bermuda Triangle. There ARE some MAGNETIC ANOMALIES responsible for all mysterious disappearances. MAGNUSS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THEM!
Noah: Did he do the Dracula thing with the cape and the red eyes? [N pulls his left arm over his nose leaving only his raised sinister eyebrows dancing to his ghostly o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-o, and his undulating fingers.]
Methuselah: [Panicky M surveys the sky.] Don't mention "RED EYES"! MAGNUSS said, "MOTHMAN IS REAL!"
Noah: (t-c-og) Cancel my trip to West Virginia.
Methuselah: "Mothman is a chimera created by DNA-splicing experiments to find the elixir in the TREE OF LIFE to stop MAGNUSS' death syndrome. Jersey Devil, Griffin, Minotaur, Mothman proved to be unproductive experiments". [M looks like he is about to recite the Pledge.] "MAGNUSS no more splices DNA!" [Fearful M surveys the sky.] Boy, I was glad to hear that last one.
Methuselah: [More tongue.] MAGNUSS describes his race as a "Seven-structure Bilateral-symmetry Pre-Adam Terrestrial Biologic". Seven-structure: "head, neck, torso, 2 worker appendages, 2 mobility appendages."
Noah: Well why didn't you use your 2 mobility appendages and get the HAY out of there? (t-c-og)
Methuselah: I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT STAR TREK!!!!!
Methuselah: I asked if there was such a thing as a WORM HOLE. He said, "Yes." They "sent in a Sensor probe set to go in a million miles and come back out." It never came back out. They sent in another one "set to go in a thousand miles and come back out." It never came back out. They sent in another one "set to go in a ten miles and come back out." It never came back out. MAGNUSS was unable to recruit any live volunteers and had to scrap the whole WORM HOLE project.
Methuselah: I asked if he could beam me up to his spaceship. Beam me up, Scotty! He said in 300,000 years on planet Earth, they haven't been able to perfect that thing. He said if he beamed me up, I wouldn't look the same when I got there. I told him to cancel MY live demonstration.
Methuselah: I asked him who his favorite character was on Star Trek. He said, "Data."
Noah: (t-c-og) You mean to tell me Little Gray Guys watch Star Trek? (t-c-og)
Methuselah: [More tongue.] MAGNUSS said they have to keep track of how interplanetary travelers are portrayed. They spot check our television programs to see how much bad press they're gettin'.
Noah: (t-c-og) The Little Gray Guys like Data, the android on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?
Methuselah: [M looks like he is about to recite the Pledge.] Yes. Like MAGNUSS, Data is gray, the ultimate data processor, and incapable of committing murder. [Fearful M surveys the sky.] Boy, I was glad to hear that last one. [M resumes the Pledge.] MAGNUSS always brings people back.
Noah: After he sucks the DNA out of their navel, takes hair samples, tissue samples, and stuff not suitable for public consumption!
Methuselah: They are research scientists! They need that stuff for their longevity experiments! They want to live "OWLAM!" "Owlam" means forever.
Methuselah: They eat a precisely measured amount of food so they can maintain that spongy emaciated look. MAGNUSS told me that "BODY MASS is inversely proportional to LIFE SPAN."
Noah: (t-c-og) "BODY MASS is inversely proportional to LIFE SPAN."
Methuselah: Have you ever seen a big fat 100-year-old person? No! And never will! Big fat people die early. Irish Wolfhound, the biggest dog has the shortest lifespan... I asked MAGNUSS where his spaceship was. He said, "MAGNUSS does not like the terms spaceship, UFO, Unidentified Flying Object, Flying Saucer, ET, Extraterrestrial, and Alien."
Noah: (t-c-og) I suppose he told you his PREFERRED TERMS.
Methuselah: He did. First of all he said, "MAGNUSS has gone to great lengths to make himself I-DENTIFIED, so at least 1 in 7 persons has seen or knows someone who has seen a Miniature Planet Earth." MPE, not UFO, MPE. It sets up the gravity of planet Earth on the bottom and sets up the atmosphere of planet Earth on the inside, that GOOD atmosphere--before the loggers started choppin' down all of trees. And [M begins demonstrating acceleration, hovering, wobbling, sudden starts, sudden stops.] and it goes Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh! "And they don't feel any G FORCE at all." MAGNUSS said, "We can go from planet Earth to the Moon in 20 seconds." Talk about your NASCAR. [Dismayed M begins to slowly flap his arms.] He's flying a planet. We're out flapping like birds, using fossil fuel, so we can have another Ice Age... or worse.... [Sad flapping continues.] We're using archaic Bernoulli's Principle: wing rounded on top, flat on the bottom; air flows faster over the top than on the bottom, so there's less air pressure on the top than on the bottom; difference in pressure creates lift. [Sad continues; flapping stops.] Then we start breaking the sound barrier, breaking grandma's china, listen to her complain for three hours, and rattle people's nerves while we rattle their windows.
Noah: (t-c-og) If you don't mind, I am happy to be one of the 6 of 7 who hasn't seen the little green.
Methuselah: [Panicky M surveys the sky.] Oh, MAGNUSS doesn't like "GREEN". [M looks like he is about to recite the Pledge.] MAGNUSS is neither GREEN nor MEAN. If abductees feel pain, it's their own fault.
-Abductee sees the metal instrument [Looking scared M waves his arms.]
-Abductee recalls the dentist's office [Scared M mimics jackhammer.]
-Abductee expects pain
-Abductee self-induces pain
But it's all in his mind. [M resumes Pledge.] MAGNUSS procedures are painless. Ask Betty Hill; ask Travis Walton; only exceedingly fearful people experience pain. Negative expectation is the real enemy. Sometimes someone dies of fright in flight. It's their own fault for not maintaining a regimen of diet and exercise! MAGNUSS removes the lips and sucks out all the innards and places the cadaver back on the ground. They do this to cows all the time.
Noah: (t-c-og) May I just say that on the FOOL SCALE you have just vaulted into the Guinness Book of World Records. (t-c-og)
Methuselah: ROSWELL WAS REAL!
Noah: "REAL"! "REAL" means, I touch you, I feel flesh and bones.
Methuselah: [Panicky M surveys the sky.] Oh, MAGNUSS is flesh and bones. When he told me about MOTHMAN I got so scared I grabbed his little emaciated hand [startled] and his skeletal structure felt like dried sponge. I squeezed; the sponge compressed. I released; sponge bones returned to their original sponge. I was petrified. Still am.
NOAH AND METHUSELAH MEET MAGNUSS©2006